Confessions of a Teenage Gundam Pilot
by Chibi Tenshi
Summary: Most Coordinators cruise through life with their superior genes, and especially through their ability to learn from mistakes. Not Athrun Zala, and not especially when it comes to Cagalli. AxC, KxL, MxD for the most part


**Author Notes**: This crack!fic has **TONS** of OOC, and I derive a lot of my humour by exaggerating character traits or putting them in outrageous situations. So keep that in mind. Other than that, honestly, I'm feeling sorry for Athrun at this point XDXD (And I also like the title XD) Please let me know if you find this funny or not. But be gentle, cos' really, I'll cry XD

My usual thanks goes out to Kirstian (who'll never read this fic), DJ, Mitch, Alyson, and all the awesome folks on the AsuCaga LJ comm.

Also, apologies if I accidentally offend with my humour. Really, nothing's sacred with me. XD

Timeline-wise, post GSD with no reference to how it ends, except happily and with all the pairings I like XDXD

One last note, this fic was inspired by a single line in Gundam Seed Destiny Episode 8.

_That's not how you give a girl a ring!_ – Cagalli Yula Athha

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Gundam Seed or Gundam Seed Destiny. If I did, I'd do a better job at writing the storyline for GSD XDXD (Ego much? Why yes. XDXD)

**Confessions of a Teenage Gundam Pilot**

It's a well-known fact that Coordinators are genetically modified human beings, with the ability to excel more than the average human. Illnesses don't affect them. They have keen reflexes and greater learning aptitudes. For a select few Coordinators, they had all of that and more. But like all human beings, Naturals or Coordinators, they have weaknesses and flaws. Most human beings learn from their mistakes. Some don't, and fewer are slow on the uptake. Unfortunately for our hero, he belongs in the last category.

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**Chapter 1**: Delusions of a Mad Man

Kira and Lacus are being 'lovey-lovey' in front of me. It's becoming rather tiresome, especially considering I've been blacklisted yet again. I'm not sure I understand why this is the case but Cagalli's mad at me – again. This is why I called this meeting, hoping that my dear friends (the sarcasm oozes) would help me out, but clearly they're more interested in each other than my problem.

I clear my throat to remind them that I was still here. I would've preferred a bucket of water, but the pink Haro might just short-circuit if I tried that.

"We forgot about Athrun again, Kira."

My best friend simply smiled at her, utterly love struck. I could've spray painted his Gundam right in front of him and he probably wouldn't even have noticed. Then, he seemingly remembered my presence and his violet eyes narrowed at me.

"What did you do to Cagalli this time?"

Stiffening up, I glare right back. "What's that supposed to mean? I always treat Cagalli well."

Lacus simply stood there with her hand against her cheek. "Ara…"

The pink Haro bounced up and yelled, "I'm not going to take it!"

I really should've disabled its voice circuits when I had a chance.

"You forgot your one year anniversary," Kira began.

Honestly, I hadn't realized that anniversaries were such a big thing for girls. We had arranged to meet for dinner, but I was late thanks to some long-winded diplomats. While I stood there stunned by how pretty she was, she laid into me. She had asked me if there was something I was forgetting, but truly, I had no idea what she was talking about at the time. One minute I was avoiding the objects she was flinging at me, the next I was being tossed out of my own house. Cagalli did stomp back out, told me to get back into my house, and that she never wanted to see me again.

"Kira, he didn't know! And besides, Cagalli eventually forgave him."

I don't think I ever knew what begging for forgiveness meant until that point, and I hadn't realized how long my girlfriend could hold onto a grudge.

"Yes, which brings me about to the other problem…"

This time, even Lacus can't stop her giggles.

Oh for God's sake. Must everyone remind me of that? It was entirely innocent. I had finally placated Cagalli by giving her a little mechanical kitten. She had been so delighted with me that she… uh nevermind.

Defensively, I retorted, "She liked them, so I made her more!"

Quite possibly motivated by my 'reward', I may have gone a u little /u overboard. For the next anniversary (the one year one month one), I gave her a mechanical puppy. Again, Cagalli was thrilled and I quite liked how she showed me her appreciation.

"More is making all those Haros for Lacus. You… you…"

I'm not sure how it happened, but her place turned into a zoo within a manner of months. Over the din of the animals, Cagalli screamed at me and told me we were swapping places. In all fairness, I did work really hard on the mechanical creatures. Between work and making them, I barely got any sleep. Needless to say, my lovely girlfriend did not see this and stomped off, taking the earplugs with her.

"At least there are happy Orb children with their animals, although I'm not sure about the family who took in the elephant…" Lacus said thoughtfully.

Kira, in rare form, displayed wit as he replied, "At least he didn't make her a whale…"

"Why would I make her a whale?"

"I don't know. Why would you make her a **RHINOCEROS**?"

This is where I fail to understand how gentle, clumsy, and some-time crybaby, Kira Yamato, my best friend, turns into this monster whenever it comes to his twin. It's almost as if he's making up for lost time, conveniently forgets how many times I've saved him, and goes into psychotic, overprotective older brother mode. Then again, maybe he has good reason to if he knew half the stuff that goes on in my mind whenever Cagalli's around.

"Cos' it reminded me of her!" I shot out without thinking.

The pink Haro piped up with, "No love for Athrun!"

The gasp from Lacus should've warned me, and my eyes widen at my own words. Kira looks like someone just told him that Shinn was a better pilot than he was. Myself, I'm grateful that Cagalli isn't around to hear this. I didn't mean she physically resembled one, because she is far prettier than that.

You know that feeling where you **KNOW** that death is imminent for you? I have to admit, piloting my Gundams could've lulled me to a false sense of security, but never had I felt this **SO** strongly.

It's that sudden sense of doom that hits you like a ton of bricks, or in this case, when Cagalli unleashes her bag on my head.

When I regain consciousness later, I'm left with a distinct throbbing in my skull, and I can vaguely hear my girlfriend (Nope, she just dumped me after calling me an ASS) yelling all sorts of things at me and Lacus trying to calm her down. Kira, who is now my best friend again, has apparently decided that violent beatings served as an excellent way to mend a friendship.

"Are you okay?"

"… I'm fine."

Kira blinked at me. "That's a huge bump on your head you know."

"… I've taken worse hits."

I've felt better when my Gundam has blown up with me in it. The world keeps spinning around, and I can still hear Cagalli calling me names no delicate princess should ever say. Then again, the Orb princess can hit better than most men (Coordinators included) I know.

"Athrun!"

I barely focus on the two Lacuses running over (It's positively Pavlovian the way my spine just trembled at the thought of Meer), and then she grabs me by the arm.

"You have to apologize to Cagalli!"

I'm firmly convinced it's the concussion in me speaking when I told her, "But it's the truth."

At that point, Kira got ready for my funeral, and Lacus just shook her head. Then, the thundering of footsteps (elephants?) echoed in my brain until I opened an eye to see a furious Cagalli towering over me.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" she bit out.

Thanks to my Coordinator senses, I can hear her grinding her teeth as she says that.

"… you're prettier than a rhinoceros."

Dearka's apparently a bad influence on me. Next thing I know, flames are exploding in her eyes.

"You're the BIGGEST moron ever! For all your genius brain, you should know better than to compare your girlfriend to a rhinoceros!"

Ah, we're back together again. I must've smiled at the thought because my eardrums nearly get shattered the next second.

"**ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME!**"

"… would it help if I said no?"

Her scowl lessened as she crossed her arms. "What am I going to do with you?"

Painkillers and TLC comes to mind, but luckily, I've gained enough of my brain cells back at this point to not say that. Instead, I told one of the Cagallis, "I'm sorry."

It would appear that it would take longer for the spinning to stop in my head.

"I'm sorry I even suggested that you looked fat in that outfit. I didn't realize it was a trick question."

Gentle, sweet Lacus gives me a look of death while both Cagallis twitch. Kira is looking at me as if I've just told him we were gay lovers in some fan fic.

"Athrun!"

I think Kira just yelled. Apparently, giant lungs run in that family.

"You MUST have a death wish. You didn't… I mean… god, if I told Lacus she looked fat in that yellow outfit…"

Obviously, there's a reason why we're best friends. The same talent for sweet-talking our females is strong within the both of us.

However, Lacus doesn't appreciate this. She just socked the Haros on him.

Not being a big fan of bloodshed, I avert my head, only to see Cagalli sitting on her haunches and staring at me.

"I really am sorry. You know I think you're pretty no matter what you wear."

The blush on her face is a match for mine.

"Just maybe not in that outfit."

Apparently I was hit harder than I thought. Even the Haros stopped their assault momentarily to chirp out, "Take him down!"

Someone up there must like me because in the next moment, my sweet girlfriend is slowly touching the lump on my head.

"I really hit you hard, didn't I?"

Enough of my sense of self-preservation remained. Rather than speak, I nodded.

"Poor baby."

Clearly, the look on my face was pathetic enough since Cagalli is now helping me to my feet. "Are you okay, Athrun? Do you need to go to a hospital?"

"I'm fine…"

"Idiot," she chided. "We're going back to my place. Then, you're going to lie down."

Well, I always did like being hand fed grapes.


End file.
